Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
