rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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