It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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