Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
