I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize