I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
