My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
