So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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