My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
