She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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