You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize