Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
