I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
my liver is dry heaving
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
