Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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