you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
