1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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