That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
