well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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