So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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