Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
