We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
