so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
