I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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