***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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