Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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