Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
