The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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