Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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