I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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