I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
