I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
