Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
