Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
