i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
