When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
