I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
