Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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