There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
