once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
