I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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