Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize