When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
