My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
