who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
