It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize