just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
