in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
