My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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