i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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