Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
