Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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