Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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