New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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