Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
