so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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