There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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