I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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