ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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