My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
